How to Write Power Rankings
Are you an aspiring content creator looking to fill the void I’ve left on my hiatus, but don’t know where to start?
Well, look no further — this is a comprehensive guide on how to replicate the power ranking formula to a tee, in a way that will effortlessly garner hundreds of views, quality be damned.
Concerned about silly things like originality or being unique? Don’t be! Power rankings are the exact kind of uninspired drivel that will engage your viewerbase twice as much as any high effort, well written and creative piece that you could possibly come up with. Why? Well, the human body produces endorphins in response to people reading someone say something about them. Write something positive? Congratulations, you’ve added material to someone’s wank bank. Write something negative? Even better — the only thing that gets the blood flowing more than name drops is salty drama, and lord knows nothing stirs up a shitstorm quite like a 4k player reading that someone said they’re not great.
How To Rank
For this hypothetical exercise, I’ll assume it’s a 16 team event — if there are fewer, cut one of the generic placeholder writeups. This will generally be the team with a strong offlane duo, a dog safelane and a middle of the pack mid player (or alternatively, a team with a core duo that’s supposed to be good but which you don’t think will perform — which is to say, you personally dislike one of the players, since that’s obviously what this all is based on). If there are more than 16 teams, just go ahead and reuse one of the generic writeup concepts — don’t worry, not a single soul actually reads the writeups for every single time since they’re too busy searching up their own name, so no one will notice this practice.
The bottom tier is fairly straight forward. Assuming 16 teams, I might do a split to the tune of 3–3–4–4–3 for Tiers 5 through 1 respectively. With 3 teams in T5, the formula is the following:
16. The Team That Actually Sucks Fucking Ass
You’ll usually spot this stack by the absence of an actually decent core and a surprising amount of 4k’s, none of which have ever been described as “value”. Massive bonus points for the presence of a known toxic animal or other boosters of the Potential Disband stat.
15. The Team With 5 Off Role Players
Make sure to extensively focus on the roles in the writeup for this team. You’ll either be right — in which case this team will likely end up top 4 — or you’ll be wrong, in which case this team will crash and burn, or alternatively will lose a dozen games before switching to the role setup you predicted and then win 4 matches before getting knocked out.
14. They’re Ass, But Will End Top 3 If You Rank Them Here.
Hell, they’ll probably win the whole thing. Just goes to show that you can’t rely on RD2L players to do anything — even lose.
This tier is home to all of the teams that will actually end up bottom 3, unless the 16th team is genuine, unsalvageable garbage, in which case only most of this tier will end up on the bottom. This tier is also unique in that the writeup for all teams in it is the exact same.
13. I Think These 2 Players Are Decent, Which Means They Suck Ass
Self-explanatory, I’d say. The more value someone seems in a team-based entirely upon the idea of being individually value, the likelier they are to do absolutely nothing of note.
12. I Think These 2 Players Are Decent, Which Means They Suck Ass, Part 2
Here you just copy paste your writeup for rank 13 and just swap the names around. It’s very simple.
11. This Is A Generic Team That Looks Slightly Worse Than The Other Generic Teams
It’s of paramount importance that you mention how much you struggled with ranking this team, and how much you considered putting them either lower or higher. In fact, this is a great go-to in team analysis for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that it absolves you of taking responsibility for where you ranked them, no matter how they actually perform — after all, you made sure to describe them as volatile and pointed out vague ‘potential’.
Tier 3 is where your experience in writing boring school essays comes into play; you’re essentially just rehashing the 11th team’s writeup. You don’t care about these teams, and neither does anyone else.
10. Generic Team But Something About Shotcallers
Uh oh, you’ve got nothing to say about a stack of average cores and bad supports! Time to pull out the big guns. Your go-to buzzword is ‘direction’ and the supposed potential lack of it in this team.
9. Generic Team That You’re Massively Overrating Despite Having a Dogshit Core
This is the home of the 4k mid player.
8. Generic Team But With Friendship
If only friendship ever mattered.
7. Generic Team That You Want To Rank Lower, But They Have a Top 10 MMR Player
“This team will depend massively on [Wesside/Szajtek/Crayon/other], and while [player] is definitely going to solo carry a couple games, I’m not fully convinced.”
This is a tricky one, mostly because it’s the tier that shouldn’t be super hard to get a couple right in…right?
6. OK Team With High MMR Cores, One Of Which Will Grief
Every single time.
5. Holy Harry
4. Either Top 2 or Not Making It Out Of Round 1
You’ll be able to tell 3 weeks in.
3. Woah Poggies Value!
This team probably got a 6k in the second round. Unfortunately, despite how good it looks on paper, they’ll be the first to find out why they got that 6k.
The simplest by far.
Congratulations! You’ve finally finished writing your power rankings. Don’t worry about how blatantly lazy your writing got midway through — again, everyone’s searching themselves up, so they won’t be able to compare the quality of one paragraph to another. At this point I’d recommend posting the link in the Community Content channel, blocking all DMs and not reading Discord for a bit. If you’re starved for entertainment, you can just spam refresh your Medium stats page and revel in your new role as my latest protege. Enjoy!
Thanks for reading here’s the money link xoxo